Thoughts before sleep – March 10 2016

Sleeping pills are odd, sometimes they do exactly what you want – keeping you asleep until you rise naturally feeling rested. But sometimes they fuck up your entire next day. I woke up, dragged my butt out of bed to get to a doctors appointment but was still half asleep in his office. I went back to my apartment after that to get some food before class, and as I sat on my couch not a thought passed through my brain.

I made it to class five minutes late and barely spoke once on a film and reading I had already done because I was so foggy.

Then I went to work and couldn’t put words together in a sensible way when I needed to.

My day kept going, and I kept being slow and foggy and my anxiety kept rising as my abilities continued to fall beneath my usual standards.

I tried to help a friend with a paper and do that paper myself but felt more hampering than helpful as I wasted the hours with absolutely no ability to be productive.

And then I went out to celebrate a friends birthday, to a bar where the music is so loud that I can’t hear people a foot in front of me leg along carry a conversation.

While I’m on the subject, I don’t understand what people chat about at bars. It seems like the people around me have endless things to say and I feel like I never learned how to get past hi and how was your day. When I’m working I can talk about work and when I’m in school I can talk about school. But I feel like I don’t have a life outside of that. I’m terrified that I’ve developed this depressed and lonely life that I’m incapable of inviting others into because it doesn’t really exist.

Just like what was apparently my only useful personal characteristic prior to today, my ability to think and speak.

So those are my thoughts before sleep. Scary and personal and sad… and hopefully temporary.

Thoughts before sleep – February 22, 2016

Mania is an odd sensation. Occasionally it could just appear as energy, but most of the time I feel that agitation is the proper description. Agitation that distracts you from clarity of thought. Agitation that drives you to desire any kind of relief you can grasp. Agitation that raises your heart rate over the most minor of inconveniences. But that’s the mania that I’ve been feeling lately. It’s not terrible, and I think it’s mostly caused by the intense burnout this term brought me to last week. But it’s still there, agitating me for days at a time while the depression of manic depression slowly builds in my consciousness. I’m glad I know the methods to keep it at bay (one of which is writing) but I think the lesson here is I need to start treating my body better to keep my mind healthy.

I pray for the wisdom to find the right path, the strength to stay on it, and the faith to know you will always call me in the right direction.

Amen